Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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