I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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