Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
