I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
