So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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