at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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