he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
