nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
