haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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