Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
