the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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