no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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