I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
