So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
