If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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