if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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