Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
