My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
