Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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