somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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