Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
