Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
