the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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