update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
