I'm so fucking centered right now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
