I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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