Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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