Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Randomize
