After last night, I could never be a politician.
I bet he comes in French.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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