if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
