Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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