I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
