so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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