Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
