Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
MIDGETS
????
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
