Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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