considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
