I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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