Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
