my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
