Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
