I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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