Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
