No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
