The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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