your parents love me but you hate me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
