Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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