So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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