well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
