I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
