she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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